I hope so anyway. Things can only get better, as they say. Today was good though, well, tonight. It just annoys me how so many people know what's been going on with me and her. Also how my 'friends' are reacting. Ok, not all of them, just one inparticular. But hey, she has her own mind, I just wish she would speak to me rather than others about me.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow night though =]]. But I just found out that a certain someone from my past is going to be there. I have nothing against that, but I just think it may be a little awkward and stuff. I know she's worried about it too. It should be fine though.
College, Ahhhh sweet college. Not long left now in all fairness. Just about 5 more weeks or so, until exams start. I'm crapping myself to be honest with you. I need to start revising, and actually getting out of bed in the mornings. I find it so hard though. I think I have depression on a morning. No joke. That's how it seems when I wake up and know I have to keep to a schedule, because I hate routine. Hate the bloody thing.
Oh well, best be off to sleep, I have to be up for that thing in 6 and a half hours. Joysssss.
--Out
Sunday, 26 April 2009
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
Maybe
I am devastated. But I don't know about it. Maybe I won't let myself in. That's what they all keep telling me anyway. Things along those lines.
--Out.
--Out.
I honestly don't know...
Why I'm not devastated. It feels strange. I don't think I know what I'm doing, and I don't think anything has hit me. No-one listens though, because I'm always seen as the bad guy. How many times do I have to apologise for her to believe that I'm sorry?
Today was good. In a weird way of course. I fucked her up - mentally. I didn't mean too. She pressured me into it though. I couldn't say no, even if I had wanted too, which half of me did and half of me didn't. But then one side gace in and the other remained for the rest of the day - until now.
She's going to totally hate me soon. She's not going to talk to me and the group will split and it will be all my fault. I'm sorry that it wasn't working for me, ok? And I can see it now... in the next few months, my life is going to crash around me. I'm going to be in the picture but I won't be able to move. I'll be screaming but there will be no sound. Nobody will notice. I'll seem to be the happy-go-lucky girl. The one who gets through everything, and the one who never gets upset.
After all, that is who I am, right?
--Out.
Today was good. In a weird way of course. I fucked her up - mentally. I didn't mean too. She pressured me into it though. I couldn't say no, even if I had wanted too, which half of me did and half of me didn't. But then one side gace in and the other remained for the rest of the day - until now.
She's going to totally hate me soon. She's not going to talk to me and the group will split and it will be all my fault. I'm sorry that it wasn't working for me, ok? And I can see it now... in the next few months, my life is going to crash around me. I'm going to be in the picture but I won't be able to move. I'll be screaming but there will be no sound. Nobody will notice. I'll seem to be the happy-go-lucky girl. The one who gets through everything, and the one who never gets upset.
After all, that is who I am, right?
--Out.
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
What a Day
End of an era I guess. I think I've done the right thing. Only time will tell I suppose, but if time tells me that it wasn't the right thing to do, there won't be a great deal that I can do really. I'm so confused, one side of me misses her, but the other side is telling me to be strong, reminding me why I made the decision that I did.
But she doesn't see it like that. My best friend and my girlfriend, possibly both lost all at the same time. We had great times, but things were just getting to be too much for me. I had to do what I think is right for me, not me and her, not just her. But she was so upset. It's hard to be there as a friend when the girlfriend side of you is the one that's made them upset. It will work out though, we didn't end on bad terms, and I'm determined not to lose her altogether. She's too special to me.
I hope she understands that. I tried my best to get it through to her but I'm not sure if it worked. Best pray she does know, or that she reads this. Either or I suppose.
--Out.
But she doesn't see it like that. My best friend and my girlfriend, possibly both lost all at the same time. We had great times, but things were just getting to be too much for me. I had to do what I think is right for me, not me and her, not just her. But she was so upset. It's hard to be there as a friend when the girlfriend side of you is the one that's made them upset. It will work out though, we didn't end on bad terms, and I'm determined not to lose her altogether. She's too special to me.
I hope she understands that. I tried my best to get it through to her but I'm not sure if it worked. Best pray she does know, or that she reads this. Either or I suppose.
--Out.
Monday, 20 April 2009
Thoughts
I hate it when you are stuck with a dilemma that, whichever way you chose, you probably still won't be totally happy. That's when you know something has gone wrong along the line. Things could probably be patched up, but they wouldn't be the same. But if things were abandoned, they would never have the chance of being the same. So then you have to ask yourself this:
"As much as we have to make one another happy, we have too look to our selves. We have to ask what we need, then what we want, and then what we desire. If we lead our life by desire then we can't need. What we need is what makes us happy, some look for money, some look for friendship, some look for love. You have to look beyond where we stand, we need hindesight for foresight. With this foresight we can see what we need, therefore understanding ourselves and others". - Annonymous.
Life's a funny thing. And although I must admit, not all of that above quote made sense to me at the time, it's slowly beginning too. But it's not easy to follow, which is why I hate dilemmas. They really do suck. They suck monkey's bollocks - to put it nicely.
So, here's the thing. What happens if you don't know what you want, or need, or desire? What happens if you don't know what you're looking for? What happens if you don't even know if you are looking, or if you are happy and content with what you have? And most of all, HOW are we supposed to know any of these things?
Quite frankly, I think this life is a piss take.
--Out xx
"As much as we have to make one another happy, we have too look to our selves. We have to ask what we need, then what we want, and then what we desire. If we lead our life by desire then we can't need. What we need is what makes us happy, some look for money, some look for friendship, some look for love. You have to look beyond where we stand, we need hindesight for foresight. With this foresight we can see what we need, therefore understanding ourselves and others". - Annonymous.
Life's a funny thing. And although I must admit, not all of that above quote made sense to me at the time, it's slowly beginning too. But it's not easy to follow, which is why I hate dilemmas. They really do suck. They suck monkey's bollocks - to put it nicely.
So, here's the thing. What happens if you don't know what you want, or need, or desire? What happens if you don't know what you're looking for? What happens if you don't even know if you are looking, or if you are happy and content with what you have? And most of all, HOW are we supposed to know any of these things?
Quite frankly, I think this life is a piss take.
--Out xx
Sunday, 19 April 2009
New Start?
An old and very loyal friend of mine reminded me of my blogging days today. It used to be the way that I got through life, the way that I could release my feelings in a way that seemed to help me cope a little better. I must admit, it was pretty silly at times, because really what I was writing needed to be heard by someone, and of course I had no idea if anyone was really listening - besides that friend I mentioned.
But now? I'm not really sure why I'm starting this thing up again to be totally honest with you. I like to talk to space, no-one, but with the chance of someone listening and sharing things with me. It's a small chance, but hey, it gives great reassurance.
I've changed alot since then. I say whats on my mind, and I talk straight out about important things. I don't dwell so much. I've put the past behind me, learned from my mistakes and took them in my stride. Some parts of the past were awful, it has to be said, but there was nothing that hasn't made me a stronger person than I was before. The past has matured me, and I understand now how important getting to know people is.
But I'm still learning. In fact, I don't think I will ever stop learning. What would life be about if you didn't learn new things to make life more interesting? My philosophy and ethics course at college has also put alot of things into perspective for me. Like, how you need to set yourself goals in life, because there aren't any set for you. Afterall, who knows the aim or goal of the human race? Some may say it is to reproduce, others may say it is to get closer to God, others would say it is to enjoy every moment you get. But others say they don't know. They sit on the fence. And when you sit on the fence, you need to keep yourself occupied.
And I'm doing exactly that with my life from now on.
No more sugared tear drops!
xxxxx
But now? I'm not really sure why I'm starting this thing up again to be totally honest with you. I like to talk to space, no-one, but with the chance of someone listening and sharing things with me. It's a small chance, but hey, it gives great reassurance.
I've changed alot since then. I say whats on my mind, and I talk straight out about important things. I don't dwell so much. I've put the past behind me, learned from my mistakes and took them in my stride. Some parts of the past were awful, it has to be said, but there was nothing that hasn't made me a stronger person than I was before. The past has matured me, and I understand now how important getting to know people is.
But I'm still learning. In fact, I don't think I will ever stop learning. What would life be about if you didn't learn new things to make life more interesting? My philosophy and ethics course at college has also put alot of things into perspective for me. Like, how you need to set yourself goals in life, because there aren't any set for you. Afterall, who knows the aim or goal of the human race? Some may say it is to reproduce, others may say it is to get closer to God, others would say it is to enjoy every moment you get. But others say they don't know. They sit on the fence. And when you sit on the fence, you need to keep yourself occupied.
And I'm doing exactly that with my life from now on.
No more sugared tear drops!
xxxxx
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